I'm annoyed.
Where the heck are my A's? Are they coming out at all?
Where am I to go for first 3 months? Should I stay at home? Or should I work? Or should I try and pray for a little miracle?
Yesterday, my uncle came over. He asked for the dates my O's, and then marked against the calendar in the kitchen with the subjects on the respective dates. My gran's supposed to pray for me on those days, I suppose.
Anyhow, the point is, I suddenly got struck by how stressed I should be. I shouldn't be hanging around, goofing about, laughing at my grades. I should be planning where to go. And the best part was, my mum came to me last night to tell me my cousin's planning to go National JC. Oh hooray! I'm
so gonna try to beat her.
Please. Look at my current grades. She's no opponent for me. Neither do I want to be compared to her anyway. And I can't believe what's gonna happen when people know I can't go anywhere for the first 3 months. My bro, parents, relatives, granny are gonna be shocked and ashamed of me. Hooray!
And then I cried last night. I didn't want to. My mum came into the room when I was about to. While trying to make her take no notice of me and leave the room, it just came rolling down. And then I cried again when I thought of it.
I'm scared. I don't know what of. And the point of this entry isn't to shove fear into everyone else's mind too, whoever's reading this and taking the o's. Then I lay on my bed to take my mind off studying. And then I cried again. And so I planned to go to bed. And someone tried to comfort me by making sure I was alright. So after that I cried again before I finally fell asleep. (There's something about comforting words that don't comfort me.)
I am scared. I really am. Of the papers. Of the grades. Of the expectations. Of the failure. Of wondering if I will get through it.
And after school today, much later in the evening, on and off, I felt like crying again. I hate being a cry-baby.
I really wish there was ample time for everything. I wish, I wish...
I wish I'm pmsing.
[Again, don't tell me I'll get through it and I'll be fine. Cos if you don't already know, those words don't help me feel better.]
5 Comments:
this sounds a bit like an entry i wrote sometime last year.
i know how comforting words are for you, so i'm gonna try not to say it.
remember what you told me last year? "Screw the relatives who try to compare us!" and that applies to any other cousin as well. these people are so bored, they've decided to use the younger generation to kill their boredom by comparing all of us.
so what if you dont make it to first 3 months? here's a living example for you. and my bro too. BIG DEAL.
i'm not gonna be ashamed of you. and if they call you family, they shouldnt be ashamed of you as well.
and who knows? maybe you WILL make it first 3 months.
heyyy. we are IN THIS TOGETHER! don't care about other ppl's expectations. just do ur best; do wad you want and wad u want to achieve. this is ur life remember?
(heck care wad other ppl say or compare; cuz they sometimes just need to mind their own business)
NEVER haf high expectations of urself when you noe that you are not able to achieve it cuz it's goana start draining ur brain and energy. and you ll be feeling damn stressed out. set ur target lower; ok?
wow i'm like a pro now. cuz i've been thru this shit during the block ca. but look at me now i am able to stand up and be strong even though im getting any good results either. but the ting is; nver to lose hope and confidence in urself; cuz YOU MUST BELIEVE IN URSELF and dun lose hope now.
cuz if you are feelin that you are on the verge of losing everyting; you are a GONER. cuz the Os are coming! so don't give up now! fight all the way even though we get tired at times but it ll be all over in awhile. and our results by then ll prove that our efforts are not futile. =)
so ah huang, see you at the finishing line. we ll meet for a glass of cold kopipeng at parkway and chatting about BOYFRENS wifout stressing ourselves out from books. and we shall burn all those books ok? jiayou!
wow wow wow, these comments are long! :p
seige, *grin* good to know i'm not abnormal to think likewise. at least people've gone through it!
and thanks babe.. i'm beginning to think there is a chance of getting below 20 afterall. i'm starting to worry for o's more than my first 3 months now! haha, which means i'm in the right track! *nods self* though the worry is gonna accumulate in a sec.
bixia, hahahaha that's a very interesting plan for the post-o's period. :p i shall accept the invitation! lol. thanks anyway :D won't give up!
hey dear PUSH ON OK! don't compare with others (especially relatives e.g. my sister the geper, rj-er, topengineeringstudent-er etc) [note: nah i dont' hate her it's fun to make fun of her hohoho]
it's better to work and achieve at your own pace! i know that sometimes you just feel panicky and think that you're going to finish but just take a deep breath and move on! don't wallow in self-pity or hopelessness k.
my prelim results aren't that rosy either, but thats just an indication that we have to push on for the next few weeks to make everything right! remember it's never the end of the world and there's really still a chance to do even better!
and let me declare that I WILL STILL BE PROUD OF ANNA AND I WILL STILL BE ANNA'S FRIEND EVEN IF SHE BECOMES A ROADSWEEPER IN TAMPINES!! [oh no that's not very encouraging]
whatever it is, however hard it is, i think that people around you are experiencing similar times, so PLEASE HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF (i beg of you, i beseech you, i [insert suitable adjective here] you no matter what you think)cos that's the best way to go from now on! [say "i can do this!" 1,000,000,000 times a day]
i'm sorry if all that sounds like i'm trying to comfort you, but raah the point is : MOVE ON FROM NOW! don't look back, just keep focused on the Os and keep striving.
love you muaks!
awwwwh mingie! *heart melts* awwwh! :D i love you to bits, thank you. :) esp the bit about being proud of me even if i eventually end up as a roadsweeper. you'll visit me and donate money to me if i beg on the streets right? *grin*
on a more serious note, i'm equally shit scared of the o's, as of the prelim results. so. hmm.
nonetheless, thanks dear, i appreciate it :)
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