I really am just plain sick and tired. Of the whole routine. Study, study, study. Eventually getting grades I'm barely satisfied with. And for the third consecutive day, all I've been getting is bad news, bad news and more bad news.
I seriously doubt my chances of going anywhere for the first 3 months.
I seriously doubt the possibility of 'good news' coming my way anytime soon either.
And, I seriously doubt I'll hang in there, and hold through the entire receiving of prelims results without shedding a tear. Cos time and time again, I find myself struggling to brush it aside, putting on a smile and just moving on. It's become such a habit that I find it almost easy to smile even when I'm unhappy. That may be a good 'front' to put on but ultimately I don't think it's gonna be great.
Bio paper 1's pretty screwed up too. I wouldn't have fretted about it so much if I were more confident of my paper 2 and practical. Unfortunately I was pretty much depending on paper 1 to pull them all up. At the rate this is going, I doubt I can use Bio for one of the R5. Which means I'm pretty much dead because my Physics paper 2... I'm really hoping to pass that paper. And that says a lot - to hope I pass. Apart from Chinese, I don't ever just hope to pass. I want my grades, I do!
Don't think I'll be getting back any papers tomorrow, which may be a good thing to break the chain of consecutive days filled with bad news. At least finally it's a day I don't feel like I may cry.
Bless the people who've been trying to cheer me up. :) Let's face it, I'm hardly optimistic when it comes to my own achievements. Not because I have a low self-esteem or anything. Just that somehow when it comes to such shite, it just doesn't work out for me. Sucks.
That aside, I just need to rant that's all. I don't need people telling me it's my fault, that I brought it upon myself. I don't need people to tell me it's okay because it's not. And I don't need people to tell me that I'll be fine cos I'm cheery and smart and all that. It's just gonna make me realise I'm not, and it sucks more than it already is. And if your comfort may just make me cry out of sheer guilt. So I don't really need comments on this. I just needed this blog for its aim - an avenue to rant when I need it.
But no worries, knowing how I've always been, I'll snap out of this pathetic state of wallowing in self-pity in time to come. The whole oh-i'm-so-poor-thing-i'm-screwed-i'm-gonna-die thing pisses me off sometimes but it just is inbuilt. :p I shall snap out of it soon and realise it's only a waste of time. Big thanks to those who've been listening. :)
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